I had two amazing days off & had to make it back to work today. On those days off, I woke up at a decent time, made breakfast & had a leisurely L.A. day. Just lovely. I always walk into work optimistic & eager, yet it always ends in a mad crash of poop. Just when I start to have hope in human kindness, some people just don’t give a shit & stomp on my daisies. Retail is just like working in food service: it sucks. Most people that come into the store are careless, insensitive, selfish & just plain rude. I don’t get how these people go through life being so angry. I had a few jewels today spit me the “condescending” talk & I felt like a little piece of my soul melted through the racks of clothes. I really try not to let these things bother me, but I can’t help it sometimes. I can’t say anything back & they know it. So I sink into myself & watch the minutes till it’s time to head home. These are the same douchebags at Starbucks asking for all of those stupid combinations of lattes that hold up the line & make my eyes roll. It’s really sad when I can only remember the assholes & not the one person that was genuinely sweet & thankful. Rather than go through a few incidents from the day, I have devised a few rules for everyone who has NOT worked retail. I think that most people don’t even realize they are doing these things or maybe they are, cause they’re jerks, but for those with an open mind…take notes.

Rule 1: Please don’t talk on your cell phone when you ask for help. It’s really fucking annoying trying to play mind reader during your 3-way conversation. I’m sure the other person is just as annoyed.

Rule 2: Please follow the dressing room item code. Maybe you aren’t a thief, but this granny, chick with a huge bag, & empty baby stroller are looking for a moment of weakness. I know you are impatient & want to try anything & everything on, but have some logic.

Rule 3: Ask for help when you are too lazy to read the clothing tags. I HATE it when people unfold every fucking thing & push through racks like a rhino. This ain’t no Old Navy. Yeah, I get that you think it’s my job to clean up after your messy asses but I’m here to sell you clothes. I’m not your maid.

Rule 4: Placing any clothing on floor is not cool including letting stuff fall off from the hanger. Would you put your clothes on the dirty floor? Somebody else is going to buy that, you know?

Rule 5: Walking into a store with a pinkberry or ice cream is not a good idea. That shit melts & drips all over the clothes, please don’t get mad when I turn you away. Yes you should be embarrassed I called you out in front of everybody, which should teach you not to do it again.

Rule 6: We are not a babysitting service. Please don’t come in with noisy badass kids if you aren’t going to take care of them. Just because your shopping doesn’t mean your entitled to instant daycare. Yes we need your cash, but it’s a headache watching them destroy displays & ruin other shoppers experiences.

Rule 7: Please don’t try to return something, without cleaning up all the stains from last night’s outing. I can see your deodorant stains, puke, & food crumbs. You fucking liar, you did wear this & you were too dumb to put the tags back on correctly. Oy.

Rule 8: Please don’t rant about how the store only carries “small sizes”. We are a small boutique & we stock what we sell. You make us & anyone who is small around you feel real awkward. You’re the one that tries stuff on that you know doesn’t fit. We then find broken zippers & popped buttons that we now have to pay a seamstress to fix. It’s not our fault your a fatass. Stop the spoon & deal with your mommy issues.

Rule 9: When you take 80 things into the dressing room, we know your just killing time while you wait for someone. This is REALLY rude. Everything is usually all over the dressing room floor. You waste our precious time, folding & hanging all the shit you tried on, when we could have helped somebody ready to spend serious cash FYI—our paychecks come from these serious peeps.

Rule 10: I made the effort to say hi, so the least you can do is do the same. Half the time you hear me say hi, you just look me in the face &  ignore me. Fuck you too, but eventually you will need my help & your gonna wish you were a little nicer.

Rule 11: If you see us cleaning up & locking the door…that’s your cue…we are CLOSING bitches! Get out! Unless you know what you want, lets us help you along. Not only do we want to go home, but during these tough times every bit of  payroll needs to be saved. Stores are closing left & right in LA, & you poking around after hours only makes it worse.

These are the rules, think of me the next time you go shopping & I swear you’ll get snaps for being considerate. We notice you & we appreciate it.